i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
