i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
