I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize