I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
