Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
