we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
