Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
