We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
