hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
