Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
