i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
