im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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