Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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