My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
