i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
