if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i just had sex bonerless
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy