you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
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I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there