i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
