have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
