If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
