life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
