so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
