I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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