My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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