good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
