I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
