Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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