either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
