i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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