I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's rum buckets o'clock
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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