I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
