Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
