My underwear smells like fireworks.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
