i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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