she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
