she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
