Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
