how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
