okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
