I intend to get homeless drunk
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
