Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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