i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dating After Heartbreak
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"