I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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