If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
