I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Randomize
