yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
