Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
