I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Umm I'm too high to move.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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