I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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