Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
