I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
