I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
