Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
