i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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