I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Randomize
