I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
