like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
