he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
