see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
