You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize