My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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