apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
